Today, I am going to forgive myself for what I did. I know how bad and how it get ruined everything but I realized that life goes on. Last night I wanted to jump from the highest building ever made, I want to cross on a road and get hit by a ten wheeler truck and just forget the world. Last night, last night I wanted to get drunk and just die. I know how angry you are to me, I don’t know if you can still forgive me but you know I have to be strong, for myself. I made a mistake, I rule my life and I guess it is just another lesson to be learned. I am sorry if I was not able to anticipate what would happen after that move. I am sorry I was too irresponsible.
Last night I wished I could bring back the time, but I could not. Today is another day. I have to live my life and live with the lesson I got from this. Today is a new day. I have to be stronger and braver because I know God would not give me this situation if He knows I cannot handle this. I know I made a mess and let time heal that. My words can never mend your mad heart but I just wish you could still find in there that I did care. You may not see it but deep within me, I have it.
Today is Saturday, April 13, 2013 and I feel like telling my friends about my alter ego. This is something only a college buddy and my sister knows and oh, my
ex-boyfriend also does. I’ve have been through many cycles of thinking if I really need to tell this to you because I don’t know what will be the outcome of this action. But since you are my friend, I think you have the right to know about this stuff because you don’t have any idea what’s happening to me when we are together, eating on the same table and talking about random things.
Here it is buddy, I want you to know that I have problem in terms of dealing with other people. I easily get nervous when in front of them, my hand trembles, my feet releases too many sweat and there it goes, the communication with the other person gets </3 ruined. There was a time when I was with my aunt, living at the same house (to my college buddies, su apartment mi), the feeling is really different. It feels like I’m in different world and it feels like there’s no enough oxygen to breath in. So I told my sister that I can’t make another day living with a person I am not comfortable with, I cannot eat well because the trembling feeling is always there. I wanted to act normally but I just can’t. The feeling comes out suddenly, it distracts me like there’s no more tomorrow and guuuh, and it’s really difficult having this problem. I was shocked when my sibling told me that she also experiencing such thing, she told me that the feeling was triggered when she got pressured in her accountancy class and everytime she eats, the feeling is not normal. But she went through it, not she goes to many travels with different buddies, so I guess someday I can do it also. She told me that I don’t need to hurry eating my foods and don’t think about the monster within me. I think she’s right, because everytime the little monster bugs me, I think of happy thoughts and thinks that the persons I’m with cares about me and loves me, and will never judge me.
I am trying, yes trying very well to be comfortable with the people I love most and to the people I wanted to be with. Kasi ayokong mawala sila bigla having the thought of “ang boring nya naming kasama.” But if you are my friend and I’m comfortable with you, well, congratulations to you, kasi mapili tong kondisyon ko eh. Iilan lang ang pinakikisamahan.
I can’t hate having a disorder like this because God gave me so many reasons to be thankful everyday. I am thankful because I have you, my friend and most importantly, I am thankful because I know you will understand my situation. If you are going to tell me that I need to see a doctor, well I guess I don’t have to. I can still handle myself and when the time comes na hindi ko na talaga kaya, tatakbo na ako kay Dok.
So guys, I’m sorry if I’m a little bit boring especially when we eat outside. Honestly I hate then ambiance of some fast food chains especially yung sobrang malamig sa loob at yung nangangamoy ng sobra ang foods. But no, this doesn’t mean na din a tayo kakain kung saan saan. I just need you guys to understand me and make every meal blissful. Sorry kung maarte ako minsan sa pagkain,kasi pag tinotopak ako nitong anxiety problem ko, parang ayaw nya na mag take in ng foods. Kaya nga ang bagal kong kumain minsan, eto din ang reason kung gusto kong palaging naka upo sa pinaka side kasi ayaw kong pinagmamasdan or pinapansin the way I eat my food. And to my highschool buddies, eto din yung rason kung bakit ayaw ko sumama masyado sa gatherings kasi alam ko ang tatakaw nyo.HAHA.
Alam nyo naman na di ko ginusto na magkaroon nito, kaya sana anjan lang kayo parati. I’ll be fine soon, let’s just hope and pray. Basta ano man mangyari, I’m still thankful. I think I inherited this from my great greats. Kasi si ate meron din, yung isa naman Bipolar. Ang saya diba. It’s all in the mind. Nakaya nga ni ate labanan, syempre dapat kayanin ko rin J. Di rin ako masyado nag woworry because I have a strong God and I won’t let this be the hindrance to get a good friend like you. Sana walang magbago kahit sinabi ko to sainyo.
The girl with Social Anxiety Disorder
|Friend:||Why do you choose tumblr than facebook?|
|Me:||Because everything seems to be beautiful in Tumblr, no plastic, just people being real :)|
After reading this book, I felt so blessed. Not just because I am one of the normal people living, but also for having this life taking no medication every day and able to do little things, cancer patients can’t. It was a perfect twist wherein the ending really did fascinate me. I cried a lot, really.
Life is so short; tell the one you love how you feel for them. Just like what Augustus Waters did to his apple of the eye Hazel Grace. Both of them were dying, somehow they feel it sucks, but they accepted it. “cancer just want to live”-Gus said. Unfortunately they were the victims of this dreadful disease. But their situation didn’t matter, they showed how they love each other, specially Gus’ affection for Hazel.
It made me wonder why do sick people are the sweetest creatures here on earth? Is it because they were dying? Nah. I can’t still move on with this novel. It had a great impact on me especially I had two grandparents died and two cousins because of this effin cancer. Why just can’t everybody live? Can’t everyone live happily with the people they loved most? This is somehow unfair. But just what Gus’ told Peter Van Houten, “I am happy with my decision, I hope she is.”
It’s just a matter of appreciating little things, even death. Because even someone passed away, the good memories will never, never be erased in a heart fulfilled with love.
I would like to thank you for giving me one more year to live and share happiness with my loved ones. I super thank you for sending me all the wonderful people who made me realize that I should really be thankful for having this awesome life. To my college buddies, whom I shared most of my happiest days this year, thank you thank you so much. For the roller coaster and sea dragon ride, that was intense indeed. I am looking forward for more birthday blasts and surprises, laughter and nerve cracking days to come. To my best friends, who are always there to listen my pretty little dramas and never fails to bully me. To my classmates who give me their sweet smile everyday although I’m not that too friendly and to my professors who feed our hungry brains with lots of information. To my CAKE family, who never fails to show their love and care for me. Yii. Iloveyou both. And ofcourse, to my real family. Who gives me extreme and unconditional love, although I take it for granted sometimes. But you know what? This time, as I am writing this letter, I realized that my heart is filled with so much love and joy, because I know there are so many Homo sapiens around who is willing to embrace all my imperfections and give their warmest love love love to meee.
Little Miss Thankful
|Jicker:||Paano mo malalaman na tama na?|
|Jersey:||PAG NAGING MASAKIT NA YUNG DATING MASAYA.|